How am I alive?
by Batman Addixon
Summary: Do you know what it's like to have the two most precious things in your life be ripped away by decaying hands? To lose your reason to live, yet keep living? Jade does, and she leaves reminders on her self-hatred all over her body. Carl hates that she does this to herself, and makes it his mission to save the suicidal girl. Will he pull through for him and her?
1. Kidnapped by idiots

Zombies were everywhere. Their blood was covering me and the rest of the road. I could discreetly sneak past them, since I was drenched in their blood and guts. Even my hair looked like it was dyed with the crimson color. My knives were neatly arranged in my belt, two in my hands. I stabbed the no-brainers in the head as I passed, easy kills.

It reminded me of when I'd first been told about this apocalypse. I wasn't one to be dramatic, so when there was a world full of dead people, stumbling around, eating other dead humans, I began fighting. I'd survived for a while, but the deadlings just kept returning.

One noticed me, started scrambling to inform the others that there was fresh meat nearby. So, I did what I do best. Kill them all. Stabs to the head were happening as quick as I could manage, yet they were getting faster. Their decaying brains were becoming of use to them. Teeth were snapping, hands were groping the air, and my body picked up the pace. There were only twenty left now, so the rest wouldn't be that hard. Arrows and bullets came out of nowhere, aiding me in the battle, yet I didn't know who it was, so I kept up with the knives until there was only one left. It stared at me, perked it's head to the side like a dog, as if it were still alive, then returned to its hungry-for-human state. I stuck my knife through the skull without another thought.

I wiped some red liquid from my face and nodded to the trees, noticing a silhouette. I turned around and picked up my knife from the last victim's head, ready to walk away, when a voice called out, "Come with me."

"No," I responded, looking to the ground, "I'm a lone wolf."

"Why? I have a group, just a mile away, in this huge prison, we have more than enough room for you." I could now tell that it was a boy's voice, somewhere around my age.

"Like I'd tell you my reasoning on being alone." I chuckled lowly.

"Oh, c'mon, kid. You don't seriously want to be alone during an apocalypse, do you?" Another voice sounded, "I'm Daryl."

"And I'm your worst nightmare." I grinned psychotically, glancing up to see a man wearing a leather jacket. I threw my jagged knife, missing him by a hair. Not a second later, a bullet was piercing my right arm. "Watch it, I can still use my left arm!" I yelled at the shooter angrily.

"Let's bring her back. Least we can do is help her heal." Daryl decided, reaching forward to grab my hand.

I hissed at him and leapt back. "Don't even dare. I was fine without you two clowns, I'll be fine now." I began stomping away, only to get pulled back by my left arm. "Get away!" I pushed them back, only now noticing it was the mystery boy.

"We're only trying to help!" He shouted from the ground.

"Yeah, well go help someone else! I have a bullet wound to heal!" I retorted.

This time, they let me get pretty far. Of course, they didn't let me leave completely, because soon enough, I felt someone pick me up and carry me the opposite direction. "Put me down, now!" I screeched, hitting them in the back as hard as I could. Daryl smirked at me from a few feet away, following with a piece of duct tape.

The tape was stuck over my mouth, so I couldn't scream, and my hands were cuffed together. I huffed and looked around for a while. I guess I'd just have to entertain myself. Just as I thought that, the boy adjusted me in his arms so he could carry me bridal style. I glared at him. "My name is Carl, in case you were wondering." He stated softly.

I rolled my eyes. Like I actually cared what his name was. He was just another guy. Yet, my stomach felt funny when he looked at me. Like he was supposed to mean something to me. I know, I know, big shocker, I can actually feel emotions.

"Carl, get her into a cell and keep her cuffed to the bed, okay? I'm getting your dad." Daryl began wandering off to a different building than us.

Luckily, when he was out of sight, Carl ripped the tape off. I didn't care anymore. He just wanted me to talk to him, which means I'll keep quiet. Later, when he tells me to shut up, I'll annoy him with a whole load of shit.

I'm cuffed to the bed, as Daryl demanded, but at least Carl has enough decency to leave it loose, unlike a few minutes ago, when I was ready to bleed, due to the hand cuffs. "If you need anything, just call." With that, Carl left.

I really wished I wear bobby pins in my hair now. I could have unlocked the cuffs. I glanced around, noticing I was alone. I opened my mouth, and began singing, the words flowing from my lips like a waterfall. "I ruled the world, with these hands I shook the heavens to the ground. I laid the gods to rest."

"I held the key to the kingdom, lions guarding castle walls, hail the king of death."

I shuddered at the lyrics, yet continued on until I was out of words to use. The song had deep meaning to me. When I was going on a run with my sister and brother, a weekly thing for us, we got into some trouble with the zombies, and they never were the fastest runners. . .

_"Zoe, let's go! C'mon, we have what we need!" I whispered across the store to my sister, who was shoving candy in her bag until it was full._

_She started running towards me and Dale, when a zombie got in the way. Without thought, I plunged my axe into its horribly smelling head. Dale wasn't even bothered by the fact that I just re-killed it. That's why I'm scared. They're both growing up too fast._

_Zoe skillfully jumped over a few dead things, then the three of us booked it out of there. Our parents didn't know we do these night-time trips. _

_The youngest of us nearly blew our cover with a scream. A zombie was lunging for him, and I wasn't able to reach him. Dale kicked it forcefully, and I threw my knife, but it hit the horrific beast's neck instead. The metal piercing it was enough time for me to leap forward, another one in hand. I made a sweeping motion, and its head was rolling on the ground a second later._

_"Close call, dork." Zoe snickered. _

_"It's okay, everyone messes up now and then. Even me." I said softly, caressing Dale's cheek for a second. _

_"Jade, we have a problem. A huge herd, coming our way." Zoe interrupted the family moment._

_I glanced ahead, peering with cautious eyes, and sure enough, there was a large group of dead people coming straight for us. I ushered my siblings the other way, found a couple others on the way, but we avoided them easily. They couldn't match our long, fast strides with their small, slow shuffles. The only problem; we couldn't run forever; they could._

_We were slowing down eventually, and we were nowhere near our mom and dad. We were going to die, I knew it, but I wasn't about to admit it out loud. I'll keep fighting until I'm one of them. I'd go through hell and get tortured by Satan himself, if it meant my siblings had a better life. Their death is unnecessary. _

_I picked them up, hauling them over my shoulders, trying to sprint as best I could. They were double my weight, we all knew that, but that didn't mean I wasn't going to do my best to save them. I spotted a town ahead, and my legs somehow started moving faster. So did the decaying cannibals. _

_The rest happened so fast, I barely remember it. I was at the gate, when Dale dropped his teddy, and demanded to get it. I tried to stop him, Zoe did too. _

_They were pulled one way, and I was pulled another. The hands that tore us apart were different. Theirs were bony, dead, and harsh, while mine were clean, alive, and welcoming. _

That day was the day that I lost it all. My entire world dropped that day. The tears that usually come with that memory were staining my cheeks. I muttered a cuss and wiped them away. I'd sing another song, but my voice would sound like a dying camel, since my crying wouldn't stop.

I lay down, trying to even my breathing. The entire cell block was silent, it must have been empty. Then, as I finally calmed down, someone entered the cell. He was pushing a cart of tools for surgeries, which scared me, but his appearance made me smile. He looked like Santa.

"I'm Hershell, Daryl told me you have a bullet wound, so I'm here to help." He said, offering a small smile.

"Just get it out, then you can leave me to die here." I snarled. Just because he was here to help didn't mean I was gonna be nice.

"What's your name?" His attempt at conversation made me realize something.

For the past 2 years, I'd been completely alone, nobody ever called me by my name. I could make one up and these fools would never know. A new name. I pondered on it for a moment before answering, "My name is unimportant, get the metal out of me and I'll tell you."

He nodded and got to work on my arm.


	2. My name is Monsta

I'd been sat down in some sort of a cafeteria. Of course, they didn't trust me, so they cuffed me to a table. It's wonderful to be treated like a criminal. "What's your name?" A dark-skinned woman asked me.

"I'm Monsta." I replied, it was a nickname the people of the town called me for a while. I'd stayed there for a week, then left to be alone. They didn't stop me.

"Well, Monsta, I'm Michonne."

Introductions were passed down, and soon enough, I knew who everybody was. "This is wonderful, meeting new people. Now let me go. I'm better off alone." I said, waiting for them to un-cuff me.

A child's crying could be heard then, for a couple minutes, and it began to increase in volume. A blonde girl holding a baby stepped forward and handed the small child to Rick. "She just wanted her daddy. Wouldn't go to sleep." The blonde sighed.

She turned around and looked at me, while I was particularly interested in the infant. "You have younger children here?" I asked, "Don't you know what happens to them?"

Nobody answered, so I continued, "I do. I've seen it. The determination to keep them alive is in the back of your mind while you're running from a huge herd, the kid in your hands."

I kept talking, "What if little Dale dropped his teddy? Went to go get it, then snap, he's gone? What if Zoe thought she could save him, boom, she's gone too." I shuddered when I noticed my tears were back.

"You know what it's like to have a little human, that means so much to you, just get pulled from you by those. . . things?" I questioned them.

A greying woman stood, "Yes."

It was a moment before I spoke again, "What was their name?"

She had a sad smile while answering, "Sophia."

"Was Sophia pulled from you? Did she turn into a monster and try to eat you?" I began, "That's what happened to my siblings, and I couldn't have saved them. They're gone forever, and there is nothing I can do about it, except avenge them."

"Then you should join our group. We'll feed you and keep you safe while you can kill all the dead things you want." Rick decided.

The boy from earlier, Carl, noticed I was about to fall, and quickly caught me. I smiled and flashed the deep red marks in my wrists that I had re-opened. "I didn't mean I wanted to kill the dead."


	3. I can't love myself

The sound of someone telling me to breathe woke me up from my nightmare-filled sleep. I gasped in some air, and continued again when I found none. Someone helped me up, and I found I could breathe easier now. It was still a little difficult, but I could manage.

"Th-thanks." I muttered. A bottle of water was pushed to my lips, and I began to drink.

When that was out of the way, I took an actual glance around the room. Hershell, Maggie, Beth, Glenn, Rick, Michonne, and Carl were here. Why, though?

I thought for sure my break-down would have made them hate me. It usually does. Makes them see me as weak. Useless. The way I see myself. Were they blind, or, was the blind one me?

Everything was all messed up now. I couldn't start thinking like that. I'm a useless piece of shit, everyone here hates me and nobody will ever love me. Especially if I can't love myself.

"Why'd you do it?" That was the first obvious question. The asker, though, truly surprised me. It wasn't from anybody obvious, like Maggie, or Rick, but rather, Carl. The one who caught me.

"I thought that was obvious when I told you it wasn't the dead that I wanted to kill. And, again, with the hand-cuffs. I know I look like a criminal, but these accessories just don't suit me." I answered, moving my hands around.

A key was tossed to Rick, and he unlocked the cuffs. I muttered my thanks and he simply nodded. "Please, stay with us. I know what it's like to lose someone you love, but I would also like to fully understand your situation." He offered.

I went through the pros and cons, made up my response, "Sure. But nobody holds me back. If I suddenly burst into a fit of anger, and I wanna kill some zombies, you guys let me do that."

They all nodded, understanding somewhat. "Alright. Where am I able to get some weapons? I've been locked up inside for a while. I need to kill something." I stretched.

"Daryl's about ready to go hunting, he's just waiting on Carl. I'm sure you could go with them." Beth suggested.

"I'm cool with that." I stood up slowly, ready to collapse. For the second time in a row, Carl caught me. "Never mind."

He gently placed me back on the bed, making sure I was fine. "Carl, why don't you stay with her? I'll go with Daryl." Michonne spoke up.

"Okay." He agreed.

Glenn and Maggie disappeared then, along with Rick and Michonne. "I'm not able to do anything, am I?" I looked up at the old guy.

"Well, you should get dressed into some other clothes and let us wash those ones. Beth, go grab something please." He said, grabbing a wet cloth to clean off my hands.

She rushed out of the room, and re-appeared in a minute, with a pile of what I assumed were clothes. "Boys, shoo. Girls only, as of right now." She ordered.

They reluctantly left. I smiled weakly at her as she laid the pile by me. "Do you want me to look away, or do you think you're gonna need help?" She asked.

"I can do it myself." I was injured and weak, sure, but you had to give me points for being as stubborn as a donkey.

She nodded and turned around so I could change. It took a lot of effort, which I didn't have much of, but finally I was dressed in a green v-neck long sleeve, some faded blue jeans, and cowgirl boots with intricate designs on them. "Thanks." I said to her when she whirled around to face me.

"You're welcome. Now, let's get you into a permanent room."


	4. Safely kept secrets

Midnight was here already, and my thoughts were torturous. _You couldn't save them. You are worthless. A piece of nothing. They all want you to die. You should just do them a favor and kill yourself. Do it, and see how many people really care about you. Jump off the prison. Let the dead eat you alive. Drown yourself. Don't these sound like wonderful ideas? _

They're tempting me, urging me to do it. I was rooming with Carl, in cell block C. It'd be difficult to sneak out, even harder to explain myself, but I had to do it. They didn't care about me. They just wanted somebody to help kill those things in the wild.

I opened my eyes, blinked a few times to adjust to the dark, then set out on my mission. I tip-toed out of the room, down the hall, and up the stairs. I reached the roof, where I sat down for a while. A creak sounded from behind me. Nobody followed, I would have heard them. No, I was alone.

I sighed and decided it was time to do the deed. My head was filling of these tempting thoughts. I stepped onto the edge with bare feet, and just looked down at the ground. _What would happen? Is this really what I want to do? There's no going back after this. _I took a deep breath, ready to do it, when someone called out, "Wait!"

It startled me, and I jumped up an inch. They reached forwards, and snatched me away from the edge of the building, pulling my body into theirs. Tears were now flowing out of my eyes, all over his shirt, and my arms wrapped around his neck, while his snaked around my waist. "Shh, it's okay. I'm here, I got you. You're gonna be fine."

It was Carl. He'd come after me, for whatever reason, and stopped my suicide attempt. He sat us down, and arranged me so I could be cradled in his arms, like a baby. He stayed with me, just like that, for at least a couple hours, when I finally ran out of the salty liquid that had stained my cheeks. "What's your real name? I won't tell anyone." He whispered.

"My real name, is Jade, but don't call me that unless we're alone." I stated softly.

He smiled and nodded, "Agreed."

I climbed out of his arms, and laid my head on his shoulder, cuddling up to his side instead. "You're not afraid of heights, are you?" He asked.

I shook my head, and waited for him to say something else. He remained silent, but stood up, and gestured for me to take his hand. I was hauled up from the ground, and he clambered up onto the edge. I followed him, and we dragged each other in close to our sides, his arm around my waist.

Then, the most beautiful sight was painted in front of me. The sunrise. The only thing that ruined this moment, was the creak of the door. We looked behind our backs to see Rick and Daryl staring at us, mouths slightly open. Carl and I scrambled away from the edge and followed the men down the stairs.

While walking, I grabbed Carl's hand, making him look over at me. "Don't tell." I mouthed, and when he nodded, I knew my secret was safe.


	5. Cookie dough tastes good

Stab by stab, the dead fell silently. Their moans and snaps were no longer there. My voice began to speak, quietly at first, but then it grew louder with each lunging knife to the walkers. "You all deserve to die again!"

I was assigned to take out 'walkers' by the fence with Maggie, Glenn, and Carl. So far, it was going pretty good. I had my belt of knives, one in each hand, plus I had no way of getting hurt from them. It was an easy job, but there was nothing else to do until Daryl got back from a run that I couldn't go on.

I glanced down and saw a hand reaching for my boot. I slashed it off at the wrist, bone and all.

Things had been quiet the past week. Nobody heard about my suicide attempt, and Carl and I were only meeting in the night, when everybody was sleeping. We'd stay up half the time, just holding each other and talking, about random things. Sometimes, our chats were deep, about the meaning of life, others, they were pointless, and about what colours were our favorite.

"Monsta, the job is done, no need to kill them three times." Glenn chuckled, and I glanced down to where I was violently making gashes in a decaying brain.

"Uh, yeah." I said, wiping some blood from my cheek.

They put their weapons away, and I did the same, sheathing my knives. We all walked up to the prison, where lunch was being served.

Cold, cans of soup were being distributed. I smirked, and looked across the room to where Carl was sitting. His eyes met mine, and I mouthed, 'Want some real food?'

He got up, excused himself, and made his way over to me, as I discreetly left the cafeteria.

We met up in the kitchen, where there was only one person. I told Carl to just follow my lead, and swooped into the guy's view. "What are you doing? Get outside! There's walkers by the fence, and they're piling up!" I exclaimed, quietly so the others couldn't hear.

His eyes widened, and he took off, running outside, a butcher knife in his hands. "Remind me to not to make him mad." I commented to Carl as he eyed the knife.

He chuckled, "What now?"

"Duh, we raid the place. Look for anything that might taste good."

A couple minutes later, and we were huddled away in his cell, eating as much ice cream we could handle, up on the top bunk. I got an idea, and plopped some on Carl's nose. He was surprised, so I took that time to run. When he finally realized what happened, he started chasing me.

I was outside, leaning against the building to catch my breath, when two hands made their way around my stomach, pulling me into another body. I already knew who it was. He lifted me up, twirling me around. "Carl, I think you've made a mistake. I'm not Monsta! I'm her twin sister, Demon!" I giggled and squealed as he put me down slowly.

His hand lifted up to carefully meet with my forehead, pushing some hair away. He stared at it intently for a while, then put his hand down. Grinning, he said, "Nope, it's you, _Jade_."

I smacked his upper arm, "I told you not to call me that!" I quickly looked around to check if anybody heard. Luckily, nobody was present.

He rolled his eyes and grabbed my wrist, pulling only lightly, so he wouldn't hurt me, and then proceeded to tug me down the halls into our cell. I stole his hat this time, with a smirk, and pushed him into the cell, closing the door when he was in. "Well, well, well, looks like I'm the sheriff now."

"Oh yeah?" He challenged.

"Mhmm." I inquired.

"Then, why don't you come a little closer, _sheriff._" He was totally flirting with me, but I wanted to know where this was going.

"Maybe, I will." I decided aloud, shuffling closer to him.

He circled my hands with his own, entwining our fingers. Then, he moved his head to mine, but I stopped him there. "If we're going to do this, we'll do it the right way." I stated, and then opened the door to let myself in.

He smiled, and grabbed my hands. "You know, the first time I saw you, I thought you were crazy. Then, we got to know each other, and I realized, you are crazy," I smacked his arm, "but I like your craziness, because it matches mine, and it showed me that you can still have fun when the world is broken. Point is, I like you." He sighed.

"My god, that was sweet, and now I look like a huge dick for not being able to say anything. I guess I'll just say what I can; I like you too." I smiled with him, and he brought me in close.

Our lips met, and let's just be real, there wasn't any stupid fireworks, but there was some intense heat. He tasted like cookie dough, and I probably tasted the same. "By the way," he murmured against my lips, "this means we're secretly dating now."

And that was the start of another secret.


	6. A blast from the past and secrest reveal

It was the day after Carl and I got together, and I was awaiting an order to go for a run with a group. I was sitting on the roof, my usual spot for over-thinking things, when the door opened. I turned around, looking at Glenn with a suspicious eye.

"Beth says she wants you to help her with something, she won't give me any details." I nodded and swung my legs around, hopping off the ledge.

I knocked on the concrete wall outside Beth's cell, where she was holding a crying Judith, or as Daryl and I prefer to call her, Little Ass Kicker. "What's wrong? I could hear the wails from a mile away. Might want to shut her up before the walkers notice." I said as she whirled around.

Her shirt had baby barf on it, "Take her for five minutes while I get cleaned up, please!"

She handed the child to me, and I held her at arm's length at first, but as time passed, my arms got tired, and she reminded me of my cousin, who I used to take care of, so I moved her closer, resting her against my chest in a cradle. Her crying diminished, and eventually it was gone. Instead, she was quiet, sleeping.

Arms wrapped around my waist, and I immediately knew who it was. "You're good with her. She's been crying for a half hour." A voice whispered in my ear, confirming my thoughts.

"Thanks, Carl. I used to babysit my cousin, you know, before the dead started walking." I said, turning around.

I laid Judith down in her new crib someone had gotten on a run, and returned to Carl's embrace. "How did she die?" I asked, as he hugged me tighter.

"Who?" Was his response.

"Don't be stupid, we both know in order for there to be a baby, there must be both a dude and a chick. Unless of course you haven't been to that class yet." I smirked, kissing his cheek.

"Oh, she died during birth. I had to shoot her." His eyes got all watery.

"It's okay." I hugged his body closer, trying to come up with an idea to get him happy again. "We could be like Judith's new parent, since your dad's busy being the leader." I smiled.

"I'd like that. If everyone knew about us, of course." He smiled back, "Can I please tell, Jade? I want the whole world to know that you're my girlfriend."

"Carl, they won't approve. I'm practically a murderer in their eyes, we both know that. Plus, instead of rooming with you, I'll have to room with Beth, or Carol. But, if you really can't stop yourself, go ahead." I rolled my eyes.

"As much as I really want everyone to know, I'll wait until you're ready." He promised.

"Thank you."

"Hey, Monsta, while cleaning myself up, I found something for you, I believe it's yours." Beth came walking through, and Carl and I broke apart quickly.

"Uh, thanks." I took the knife from her hands.

"Did she really go to sleep?" Beth questioned.

"No, I taught her how to act. She's quite the prodigy." My sarcasm was kicking in.

"Ha ha ha. Very funny, Monsta." She rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, that's why he laughed." I stuck my thumb at Carl.

"Get out of here."

We did just that.

As expected, there was starting to be a buildup at the fence, closest to the building Judith just do happened to be in. Huh, wonder how that came to be. I noticed that the fence was nearly coming down, so I ran. I stabbed at every single walker nearby, and didn't stop until they were all dead again.

Soon, the things were motionless, but the fence was still rickety, since the weight of the corpses was resting on it. I had to get someone, and fast. The fence was creaking and groaning.

I dashed to the tower, finding Maggie and Glenn, hugging tightly. "Hey, love doves, mind helping me with the fence?" I interrupted.

"What's wrong?" They both asked in unison.

"The fence is coming down, there's too many walkers there, hurry!" I slammed the door on the way down.

I ran back to the fence, where the bodies were beginning to smell worse than usual. Rick and Maggie appeared in a truck, Glenn following in another. They were filled with posts and tools to use to keep the fences up. "We got it from here." Rick nodded to me and I nodded back, making my way back up to the prison.

I decided to be alone for a while. Although not the smartest idea, I liked it. The scary thoughts filled my mind again. It reminded me I was human. That I wasn't just a zombie. I started thinking about my new friends. I supposed I could consider them that, friends.

They were nice, caring, but the only one that really stood out to me was Carl. As much as I was a confident, independent young woman and didn't need a boy to make me happy, he seemed to be the only reason I smiled nowadays, along with flashbacks of before the apocalypse.

Even now, without him by my side, I was smiling. He kept doing it, I don't know how. At that exact moment, arms circled my waist, and lips met with my cheek. "Hey, Jade." A voice muttered in my ear.

I turned around in his arms, "Hi, Carl."

I decided I should ask him what I was wondering, "How do you do it?"

"What do you mean?"

"How do you make me smile so much?" I questioned him, running a hand through his hair after placing his hat on my head.

"I could ask you the same thing." He grinned, pulling me in closer.

I could feel his breath on my neck, it was warming my skin. He leaned in, ready to kiss me, when somebody yelled, "What's going on?!"


	7. Prove it

"What's going on?!"

We whirled around, coming face to face with Rick. _Well, crap._ Looking past him, I saw Daryl and Carol were also there. _Wonderful, a painful death for me. _Carl and I realized were still hugging each other tightly, and released our grips so we stood by each other instead. "Uh, hey guys, what's up?" I tried to be nonchalant, but it just came off as awkward.

"Inside, now." Rick growled, and it sort of scared me. Of course, it didn't show on the outside.

We all made our journey to the cafeteria, which seemed to be an interrogation room as well. We were sat down on a bench, while Rick, Daryl and Carol stood in front of us. "This feels weird." Carl murmured under his breath; only I could hear.

"You get used to it." I whispered in the same tone.

"Since when has this been happening?" Carol asked, and I was surprised the question hadn't come from Rick.

"Uh, a couple weeks now." I answered; I knew Carl would like to stay quiet unless his dad asked.

"And how far have you two gone?" Leave it to Rick to make us uncomfortable. More than likely on purpose, too.

"Not even first base. Don't worry, Sheriff, nothing illegal's going on down there." I answered, referring to my- well, you get the point.

"Carl, are you sure about her?" He asked his son, and I rolled my eyes.

_Rude, much?_ Carl nodded, "I want her to be with me through this. She makes me happy. And we both know how long it's been since I've been happy."

"But she's a murderer!" Sheriff exclaimed.

"Reality check, dad; we all are! I killed my own mother! I've learned that in this world now, you can't let things just pass you by! Once they're gone, there's no more getting them back! There's no second chances! I've only got one shot at this, let me have it!" Carl screamed at his father, grabbing my hand tightly.

He pulled me from the bench, and kissed me, right in front of Sheriff, Mr. Bad-ass, and Mrs. Bad-ass. He didn't care what they saw, and I guess I shouldn't either, so I went along with it. We didn't get to tongues, thought. That would have been way too awkward. Besides, I wasn't about to make-out with my boyfriend in front of the adults.

We parted and smiled at them. "If you don't mind, it's nearly sunset, and that's sort of our thing. So, bye." I said, and we booked it out of there as fast as our legs could take us.

"Carl?" I prodded his shoulder. We were watching the sunset on the roof as usual, cuddled in a blanket we'd brought with us, and I wanted to ask him something.

"Yeah?" He glanced to me for a second, then back to the sun.

"D-do you love me?" I said, and once the words were out of my mouth, I knew it sounded stupid.

My mind changed when he said, "Yes, I do."

"Good, cause I love you too." I grinned, resting my head on his shoulder, which I'd just poked.

"I'd shout it to the world that I love you." He commented.

"Then do it." I dared him.

He leaned in close, and then whispered in my ear, "I love you."

He kissed my forehead and sat back, leaving me with a question. "Why'd you whisper it to me?"

He shrugged, "Because you're my world."


	8. The demonic presence

Whispers passed through the walls, hisses and moans of the dead that stood upright. I made an animalistic groan myself and stood, grabbing my new axe that Daryl had given me, and making my way to the source of the noise. A walker was walking through cell block D, making new friends along the way. I quickly swung my blade into its neck, cutting directly through to the other side. Luckily, he'd only eaten one other person, so I swung the axe down on its head and my job was done.

Everyone was still asleep, so I decided to take care of it myself. I dragged the bodies outside, cut them up and hung several limbs around on the fences. It was a trick to keep them away. I'd done the same thing in my tree fort. Tears swelled in my eyes at the memory of the home I'd shared with my best friend.

Her name is Ava and if she were here, I know she'd have chosen the nickname 'Demon.' We were so close, all we needed to do was look at each other, and we both knew our exact mission. We'd survived for a while together, only finding each other after I'd lost my family and she'd lost hers. We were complete opposites in appearance. She had blond hair, while mine was jet black, she was a blue-eyed beauty, while mine were just plain green. She was tall, I was short. It was ironic, really. We were twins on the inside, strangers on the outside.

_"Jade, let's go! I saw a huge herd not too far away; they're guarding a store that looks like it's never been opened. I want it." She had that dangerous gleam in her eyes again; it meant she was ready to kill some dead things. _

_"How many?" I asked, not bothering to put down my book I was reading. This was a usual thing for her to report. She always wanted an adventure, yet all I wanted to do was finish the new book she'd gotten me from her last adventure. _

_"About thirty, we could take them." She was excited now; she knew I was going through the pros and cons. _

_I sighed, "15 each, no more, no less."_

_She grinned and pulled me up from the floor._

I was sobbing uncontrollably. I missed Ava. She wasn't just my best friend; we were sisters. Not by blood, but in our hearts. Soul sisters. I lost her, and I don't know if I'll ever get her back.

Footsteps crunched the dry grass, and somebody sat down next to me. I glanced over, knowing it wasn't Carl. Glenn smiled at me sadly, "One of the dead remind you of someone?"

I nodded, scraping the back of my hand against my cheek. "My best friend."

"Well, I'm sorry for your loss."

His choice of words really set me off the edge, "Shut up! She's not dead! She won't die! She's not gonna turn into one of those monster; I know it!"

I cussed him out while flinging knives at the walkers that were coming closer to the fence. He was wrong; I knew Ava wasn't going to die. She wouldn't leave me in this terrible world; she wouldn't do that.

Glenn had left, probably not being able to handle me and my emotions. I was a mess of tears, swinging my axe into anything with a head. "Jade, stop."

I disregarded the voice of Carl, and kept killing things. I was frustrated, and really didn't want to hurt him. I needed to get rid of my anger, otherwise, I could hurt him. The weapon was pulled from my hands, and thrown to the ground. I reached for a knife, then realized they were all embedded in the heads of walkers. I hit his chest, still mad at Glenn's words. He ignored the hit and pulled me into it, wrapping his arms around me tightly, not letting me escape.

I tried again to give him some revenge, but he just held on tighter. I gave up, crying as much as I could, wetting his shirt. My arms snaked around his torso, and we just stood there, in complete silence, holding onto each other while I bawled.

Eventually, the salty liquid froze and I calmed down, my sob quieted to shivering and gasps. Carl took off his long-sleeve and gently placed it over my shoulders. I smiled, putting my arms through as well, so it wouldn't fall off. "You wanna talk about it?" He asked, pulling me back towards him, one arm around my waist as his other hand stroked my hair.

I shook my head, "Not now. I know Glenn told you what happened, I just. . . can't go through it again."

He understood; it took a while for him to actually tell the whole story of his mom's death. "C'mon, let's go back up. They're probably wondering where the hell we are." He gave me my axe, and we collected the knives through the fence. I giggled when he said hell. It was cute when he tried to curse.

He laced our fingers together and we walked back to the others, where everyone was eating. They all glanced at our locked hands, and either glared or smirked. I had half a mind to drive my axe in their head. Of course, for now, I'd have to settle for a psychotic smile while blood dripped from my weapons.

We sat down after getting some breakfast and began devouring our food like it was our last meal. Halfway through the mean, Carl asked, "Where were you this morning? I woke up, and the bed was empty."

"Taking care of some stuff. There were a couple of walkers in D that nobody noticed, so I got rid of them while everyone was still sleeping." I explained.

He nodded and we continued eating until Daryl sat in front of us. "Well, hello, little lovers." He joked, and despite it being that, I blushed.

The boy to my right found this quite humorous and chuckled. "I hope you both go to hell." I muttered, and they both laughed.

"I could ruin both your lives; you do realize that, right?" I questioned, giving them an innocent smile.

That stopped their laughter. "Babe, I wasn't laughing at you, I promise." Carl pouted.

I rolled my eyes. I was done, so I stood. "I think I'll help Beth with Judith." I said, then leaned down and gave Carl a kiss on the cheek.

With that done, I marched off. I could tell that Daryl was still cracking jokes, just by the booming laughter that bounced through the place.

When I got to Beth's cell, her and Judith were cuddling on Beth's bed, sleeping. I was about to walk away, when Judith called out something in gibberish. I smiled and picked her up. She was so innocent; I hated that she had to grow up like this, in a world like this. She chewed on her fist as we walked through the halls.

Finally, I reached Carl and I's cell, where I placed Judith on the bottom bunk so I could grab something. I'd left a couple toys in here for her last week, so she wouldn't be too bored with me. I laughed as she played with the rattle.

"Hey Jade." Carl came into the cell, holding some flowers.

"Are those for me?" I asked.

He nodded sheepishly. "Yeah, I wanted to say sorry for laughing earlier."

I smiled and threw the flowers on the bed. "You don't need to give me flowers, but it was pretty sweet of you."

"Why don't you show me your appreciation, then?" He grinned, pulling me in for a kiss.

"Carl," I warned him, "Judith is here."

"She doesn't know what's going on." He pecked my lips.

I rolled my eyes, giving in. Our lips molded together as we kissed, like two perfect pieces of a puzzle. Judith cried out, "Ja-Jay!"

We both jumped back in surprise. "Did she just?"

"I think she wants you." Carl joked, pointing to Judith, who was holding her arms out for me to pick her up.

I smiled at her and hugged her in my arms tightly. Carl placed his head on my shoulder and snaked his arms around my waist. It felt nice, like we were supposed to be here. The deep and scary part of my mind disagreed. There was a demon in my head, and he refused to let me live my life.

Third person POV

Rick wondered where Judith was as he left Beth's cell. She was asleep, but the baby wasn't with her. He decided to check if she was with Carl.

Voices could be heard conversing from the hall. Rick stood silently by the door, his shadow disappearing into the sea of darkness as he listened to the words being said.

"Did she just?"

"I think she wants you."

He peered into the small room, and found his son, holding his girlfriend, with an infant in her arms. They resembled a very young family. He knew, at that moment, that what those two teens had, was unstoppable. It was stronger than a hundred men. It was true love.


	9. Is that a hickey?

Things were getting boring around here. Nothing to do, everything was fine. A couple walkers almost took down the fence, but that was being taken care of. I was in charge of Judith; keeping her safe. I was also a lot like her mother now; she wouldn't do anything for anybody but me. Someone else tries to put her to sleep; she cries for hours. I put her to sleep; she's peacefully snoring. It was sort of strange.

As for Carl and I, things were good. After that night with Judith, everyone left us alone. No jokes were cracked, and everybody smiled when we passed by. It was almost like they knew something we didn't.

"Hey, Monsta!" Someone called out, and I stood from my chair.

I ran outside, where the voice had originated from, and looked around. Nobody was here. Footsteps surrounded me, but there wasn't a single person outside. A shimmering, white form appeared in front of me, then another. They became sharper, and I could distinctly tell they were people. I squinted in the light to figure out who it was, when the voice called out again, "Hey, Monsta." This time, it was softer, a child's voice.

My brother and sister were there, standing in front of me, smiling. Tears filled my eyes and I ran to them, hugging them tight. I couldn't believe they were here. They were dirty, and desperately needed a bath, but I couldn't care less. All that mattered was that they were here, with me.

"Monsta!" Someone yelled, and I felt a tug at my shoulder.

I was ripped away from my siblings again, harshly might I add, and it was the worst experience ever.

I woke up, drenched with sweat. My nightmare was so real. It reminded me that I hadn't saved them, and that anybody could just take my loved ones at any given moment, including Carl and Judith.

Speaking of the devil, there he was, with a worried expression on. I leaned forward, and touched his cheek, making sure he was real. I felt the skin underneath my finger and pulled him in for a hug; he was definitely real. "The nightmare," I gasped, "It felt so real."

"What was it about?" He murmured into my skin.

"My brother and sister. Th-they were pulled away from me, again." I tightened my grip on him, remembering how they were killed.

"They're in a better place. They don't have to worry about anything now. That doesn't mean you should join them, okay?" He knew what I was thinking about; the demon in my head did too.

"I miss them so much." The tears were starting again.

"You're fine. Both of us are alive, and okay, Judith too. You have something to live for. Don't just let this world destroy us. We have to fight for the things that we want, and I will keep fighting for us until I can't breathe." He pulled me away from his chest to look me in the eyes.

"I love you."

I didn't know what to say, this was the first time anybody had said they loved me during the apocalypse. "Carl," I began, placing my forehead on his, "I love you too."

He smiled and connected our lips, kissing me feverishly. Next thing I knew, we were lying down, him straddling me, and we were completely making out. I'm pretty sure we would have gotten to second base, if Judith hadn't started crying.

"I'll, uh, be outside." Carl panted and I nodded, picking Judith up from her crib. We'd moved it from Beth's room to ours, and she hadn't been happy about it.

I bounced her up and down, and when that didn't work, began heading down to the cafeteria.

I warmed up her bottle, and fed her while sitting on the counter. Maggie walked by, and noticed I was there. "Hey," She smiled, and then frowned after glancing at my neck, "Is that a hickey?"

I moved my hair over the skin she was pointing to, shaking my head. "No, I got hit with a bat last time I went outside." My lie wasn't very believable, but it was the best I could do.

"You know you can tell me anything. Plus, I know what a hickey looks like, that's definitely a hickey." She didn't buy it.

"Well, me and Carl sort of made out." I muttered, and somehow she heard.

"Oh my God! Monsta's growing up! Awwww!" She squealed.

I rolled my eyes with a groan and started burping Judith.

"Keep it down, would you? I don't need any more jokes." I said.

I'd really have to show my dangerous side if this got out. She nodded, raising a finger to her lips. "Your secret is safe with me."

"Thank God." I muttered, and left the cafeteria, since Judith was asleep.

"By the way, if you ever need some condoms, just ask." She giggled.

This was really going to annoy me.


	10. Ready for war

Third Person POV

A young blond sat on the floor, her wrists and ankles bound with rope. A piece of cloth was in her mouth, stopping her from speaking. She thrashed around as a man stepped in, an eye patch over his right eye. "It's just a matter of time until they come running to save you. If you're as close to this girl as you say, of course." He spoke with a certain authority over her.

She glared at him for a while. If she could speak, she'd have snarled something sarcastically and spat at his face. The feelings were mutual, but he would have to wait for her pain. His plan was to lure Rick's group in, and kill them all, starting with the new girl, Monsta. He'd heard enough from Ava to know what she was like.

Defiant, rebellious, and from what he viewed, in love with Carl. Pull her away from him, and that leads right to Rick. It had taken a while for him to get the girl to talk, but after a few cuts and bruises, along with no food, she spoke up.

He was ready for war. And that's exactly what was coming.


	11. The devil can't let go

I stared with nostalgia at the embers flickering through the sky. We were burning the bodies that were littered around the prison, and despite the smell, it wasn't too bad. I trudged back up to the cells, where everyone was sleeping, and laid down next to Carl. He kissed my forehead and wrapped me in some blankets.

My thoughts were torturous tonight. Reminders of Dale, Zoey and Ava were haunting me. Images of their smiling faces turned into frowns as they're pulled away from me. I couldn't sleep, but I lay there silently, thinking about the endless lists of _what if_'s.

_What if I'd saved Zoey and Dale? Would I still be here? What about Ava? If I'd stopped her from running into that stupid store, would she be here, by my side, telling me the things I needed to hear? Would I still be so messed up if I'd done everything the right way?_

"Jade," Carl mumbled in his sleep, "stop."

I furrowed my eyebrows at him, turning around to look at him. His grip on me tightened, and tears leaked from his closed eyes. I had to wake him up. It was killing me inside to see him in pain. He kept yelling for me to stop, not to do it, and I kept yelling at him to wake up, that it was all just a bad dram.

He finally awoke, and when he did, he didn't say a word, just pulled me in tighter. I felt a drop of salty water on my face, and realized he was crying. "Carl, what's wrong? You were yelling at me to stop, did I do something wrong?" I whispered, stroking some hair away from his mesmerizing blue eyes.

He shook his head, "No, but my dream, you were, t-trying to kill yourself. It was so realistic, I thought I was gonna wake up without you. Please, don't do it again. You're perfect. Everyone here loves you, I love you. Judith almost called you mom last week, Maggie and Beth think of you as a sister, can't you see? You don't deserve to die. It was not your fault that your siblings are gone, Ava too. You shouldn't blame yourself for either of those things."

I sighed, "Carl, I can't help it; it's just part of me. It's in my mind, and it keeps telling me these terrible things, every day, and I believe it."

"Well, from now on, I'll keep telling you the wonderful things about you, that I always notice. To start; your eyes are beautiful, I could get lost in them. The way you crinkle your nose at stuff that disgusts you, that's gorgeous. Your hair always smells like strawberries, I like strawberries. And your lips are perfect, especially when they're on mine." He stated softly, kissing each thing he listed, until he was left lying there, staring from my lips to my eyes.

I pressed our mouths together gently, and it continued from there. I felt like I'd known him forever, and every time we kiss is like the first. My heart speeds up, my head whirls with his scent, and I find it harder to breathe.

Sadly, we needed air, and while we panting and gasping for breath, I smiled. He was surely going to make a difference in me. I knew it, he knew it. But that little demon in my head wasn't going to let him. I was the victim; the devil couldn't just let me go.

A/N; Holy crabsticks and pewdiepie, I didn't expect I'd get one thousand reads! Big thank you to my no-brainers! If you've been with me since chapter 1, keep reading. You wouldn't believe the amount of shock I was in when I came home from school to see I'd gotten so many reads. So, thank you. See you next update, my little no-brainers!


	12. The start of something big

I had to save Ava. That zombie outside wasn't her, the eyes were glossed over, but they weren't blue, and her hair had been platinum blond instead of her usual dirty blonde with brown mixed through. I knew who it was, too. The Governor. He'd been keeping tabs on me this whole time, I bet.

I'd had a run-in with him a month before joining the prison. He had asked me if I wished to join his small group, and I'd told him the same thing I'd first told Carl. He didn't like that, resulting in my deepest scar. It was the same day I'd lost Ava.

_"Join my group, we have supplies and food. Everything you need." He said, adjusting his eye patch._

_I rolled my eyes, "Yeah, I'll join your group. When I'm dead." _

_He got angry, not expecting my answer to be no. He raised his knife and slashed. I was close to being cut in half, but I jumped back. He still managed a long, deep cut. I ran, forgetting about my own weapons. I was used to killing the dead, not the living. It wasn't gonna happen. I was not going to kill someone who was still one of us._

I sighed, glancing to the horizon. I was sitting on the edge, where I usually went if I needed some alone time. Nobody ever bothered me here, which was the way I liked it. But I do have time limits up here. Carl usually checks on me every hour, sometimes shorter than that.

It was nice to know he cared, but at times, I wished he would trust that I wasn't going to leave him, or the world.

I glanced to the yard, where somebody was coughing violently. Looking closer, I saw it was Karen. I shook my head, she really needed to just rest. It'd go away. I grabbed some binoculars and zoomed in on her as she fell to the ground. When I zoomed in, I saw she was trembling, and puking up blood. Horrified, I looked around for the quickest way to get to her.

I stood on the ledge and looked down, finding another one a couple feet down. I could climb down the wall, no problem. But I had to go fast. She was counting on me.

It was scary, climbing that wall, but I made good time, and ran to Karen, pushing her to lie on her stomach so she wouldn't choke. When she finished puking, I hauled her arm around my neck and carried her in to Hershel the best I could.

He took over, and as much as I thought she was going to be fine, it felt like this was going to be the start of something big.

A/N; I know it's short, but I did my best. Last night was the mid-season premiere, and it was amazing. I have a bit of news; I'm not going to be updating every day, like I was, but I'm going to start updating on Saturdays, sometimes Sundays too, and I'm going to call them Suicidal Saturday, because Jade's suicidal… Get it? I'm so lame… Anyways, thanks for reading, see you Saturday, possibly Sunday.


	13. Maybe I'm not alone

I couldn't stand the noise inside. Everyone was getting sick, coughing their lungs up. I didn't want whatever that was, so I got the heck out of there. Sheriff said it was an illness, and it could kill. They were going to separate most of the prison into groups, the sick, the vulnerable, and others.

As you could probably tell from my personality, I didn't take it very well. I wanted to go on the run to get some meds. Were they seriously just expecting me to sit here and watch people die off?

But I had a job; protect Judith. I couldn't exactly save the day with a baby in my arms.

I sighed and shoved my knife in the dead thing's head. Yeah, this was my only way of letting off steam. Nobody gets in the way of me killing stuff, except maybe Carl.

I was just killing them, one by one, until I took notice of a blond girl, stumbling through the tall grass, wearing a green shirt and camouflage jeans. Her eyes were glossed over, like most of the others, but they had a different appearance, like she recognized me. Ava.

No, she wasn't dead. She couldn't be, but here she was, left arm missing, her cheek bitten by a monster. I backed up, away from the fence, away from my best friend. But she wasn't my best friend now. She wasn't there. Physically, yeah, but not mentally.

I cried, for her, for her death, for everything I'd done wrong. I was there for a while until Carl came along and found me, a sobbing mess, shaking my head at the blonde walker. He leaned down and picked me up, not saying a word, and just carried me into our cell.

He didn't need to say anything, I just wanted him to be there; it's all I ever wanted from anyone. But he still told me the things he thought were wonderful, like he promised he would. This time, it was the way I take care of Judith like she's my baby –our baby, I almost corrected him—and how I'd really stepped up when nobody else did. It made me realize, maybe I wasn't in this alone.


	14. I'm ready

I stifled a yawn as I sat up. Carl's arms were still attached around my hips, so I gently pulled them off while sliding some combat boots on. I hooked on my belt of knives and the holster for my axe. I know, you're surprised by that. It took forever to find one.

I grasped my necklace while looking down the hall. Nobody was there, so I crept my way through the door, when I noticed Judith was watching me. She knew I was leaving; she was probably going to start crying the moment I left her sight, so instead, I picked her up and carried her with me.

"Let's go, baby girl." I murmured in her ear, rocking her back to sleep while I walked.

Glancing through the fence, I saw a person standing there, glaring at the prison with one eye. I had a fleeting idea of running away right now, just kill him and get it over with.

But then I looked down at the little girl I was holding, and I knew I had to stay here and fight. I was still unsure of Ava's life, plus, I had Carl and Judith, everyone here is alive, I can't just leave them to find my best friend, who might possibly be dead at the moment.

The group needed me, and I was selfish to think I could just run off to save someone. I had a life here, my new family here, with my adoptive daughter, lovely boyfriend, and so many friends I lost track. I knew one thing, right then and there.

I couldn't be the weak, little suicidal girl anymore. I had to be strong, for Judith, Carl, Dale, Zoey, and Ava. I have to become stronger than my demon, I have to avenge my siblings' death, and my own death wouldn't be the right vengeance for them.

Now, determination spread through me as I stared at the person. I was going to defeat this world, and kill every walker in my path. "Judith," I whispered, holding her close, "I'll protect you with everything I have."

I couldn't abandon them, I couldn't. "I know you have Ava! I'm not gonna give in! I'm stronger than that!" I yelled at the guy.

He nodded and turned, disappearing through the foliage.

I knew he'd be back, but I also knew I'd be able to protect the ones I love.

A/N; I know it's late, but I had some writer's block, and barely escaped it. Also, I couldn't just let you guys down. I had to update, cause I love you all. I hope you liked this chapter, even though it's short. I just wanted some foreshadowing of the Governor's attack and Monsta/Jade becoming the strong woman she always was.


	15. Gut feelings after an attack

It's been a week or so since I saw him, and I think we both know who I'm talking about. The Governor had a plan, I was sure of it, but I was still trying to figure out what. Just as I came to my theory conclusion, I heard someone yelling outside. Carl ran in, looking distraught. "The Governor's here."

I stood up, grabbing Judith's car seat and set it on the bed. I picked her up and placed her in it. "What are you doing?" He asked as I buckled her up.

"Jade, answer me!" He exclaimed when I didn't respond.

"We both know how this is going to end, I'm doing my job." I said, pulling him in for a tight hug with tears in my eyes. "I love you."

"This isn't gonna be the end, so stop talking like it is. We're gonna stay here and fight for our family." He murmured into my hair.

I nodded, "I promised to myself I'd protect everyone I love."

He smiled, "Well, what are we waiting for? They're getting all the kills."

I grabbed Judith's car seat and he grabbed her bag as we walked outside slowly, not drawing any attention to us. "Maggie, you okay?" I whispered, taking a gun from Daryl behind my back as I felt the cool metal.

She nodded without a word, glancing down to Judith for a moment. I stared down at Rick, who was talking to The Governor, who then appeared to be pulling someone out of one of the cars.

A gasp escaped my lips as I recognized the old man who'd saved my ass several times, and the woman who made me realize that strength isn't just on the outside. A cry erupted from my lungs when my best friend was dragged out as well, kicking and screaming. I took in a deep breath and calmed my nerves, if I was nervous, I couldn't shoot straight.

Right when I was completely calm, everything went into chaos. The tank shot down a piece of the prison, the governor's people began firing at ours, and we shot as many of them as we could. I would have ran to help Ava, but I still had Judith with me, and the battlefield wasn't the best place to dash into.

I got nicked in the shoulder by a bullet, but kept fighting. I wasn't backing down. Maggie was a sobbing mess, since her father had been pulled out of the car, so I pushed her behind a small cart, where we'd got the guns from. I grabbed Judith's car seat, with her babbling nonsense inside, and dived behind the cart as well. Glancing through the fence, I noticed the governor hop into one of the cars, the little coward. "I'm going to get Lizzie and Mika!" I yelled through all of the gunshots, hauling myself around Judith as I ran.

The car seat was getting heavy, and walkers were beginning to file in, slowly at first. I unbuckled Judith out of her car seat and left it there, holding the baby to my body instead. I reached down to grab a knife, but found the first holster was empty. I must have dropped one while taking Judith out of her car seat.

I couldn't find the girls, so I sprinted into the woods, panting while resting near a tree. Judith was sleeping, so I took the time to lay her down on a blanket, giving my arms a rest. I sighed, thinking over my options. I knew going back wasn't one, so I stood up, gathered her into my arms, and continued my journey to find someone.

As I walked, I began thinking over everything. I couldn't help but wonder where everyone was and whether they were alive or not. My eyes watered as I was brought to the topic of Carl. I needed him to be alive. He was the only one who cared about me when I was dragged in there, he loved me like nobody else ever has, and he even accepted all of my flaws, including that little monster in my head.

"You weren't planning on leaving me, were you?" I heard someone behind me ask rhetorically, the sound of metal hitting wood making it even more familiar.

Turning around, I was met with the sight of Ava, who was holding a gun in one hand, a large knife in the other. I grinned while hugging her. "I can't believe this, I thought you were dead. We have a lot to catch up on." I told her as we trudged through the woods.

"Sure, but first thing's first; who's kid is that?" She asked, stepping over a log.

"Well, that'll be included in my long story, but I'd like to hear yours before telling my own." I answered, adjusting Judith in my arms.

"I could have died, if he hadn't saved me. He helped me, he's the reason that I'm here right now. But he's also the guy who kept me locked up in a dirty room and nearly starved me to death. I'm sure you know who I'm talking about." She pushed some hair from her face, "I was trying to get some stuff for us, when he killed a zombie from behind me, one I hadn't even noticed. I didn't want his help at first, but when I saw the huge herd heading our way, I couldn't just say no. I thought you were dead, too, but I kept going, because I knew you wouldn't just give up, and I couldn't either."

"Wow." I managed to say. Even when I'd almost committed suicide, she was searching for me, because she knew I wouldn't just give in. I felt guilt spreading through me as I remembered thinking she was dead. "I guess it's my turn now.

"I was alone for a while, after you left, until I met these two guys, Carl and Daryl. They pretty much kidnapped me and pulled me into their community at the prison. I joined it, but I still had my mission to find you. I almost gave in, but Carl saved me. I don't know where he is now, but I have to find him." I was sure she could sense the desperation in my voice while she toyed with the necklace I'd given her a while back.

It was two zombie fingers that I'd sewn together, crossing each other slightly. I was only 12 when I made it, but I was able to hold down my vomit long enough to string it all together. "The baby I'm holding, she's Rick's. He's the father of Carl, and the leader of the community."

Ava nodded, "Okay, that's cool. But if we're going to find some stranger I just found out about, I need to know more about him."

"Maybe I should tell you the most important thing first; I love him."

"I knew you'd find someone during all of this." She smiled, "What's he like?"

I described him the best I could, the way he always told me he loved me, how he would smile at me when I entered the room, how I'd never felt so much for anyone else before.

That day, we came up with a plan. Since she'd been a pretty good tracker, we were going to find them. All of them, but we had a limited amount of time.

We were currently walking down a long road, following footprints when I heard a rustle in the bushes. A few seconds later, Michonne appeared, with her katana raised as if she were about to slice us up. "Monsta." She smiled, pulling me in for a hug.

"Hi, Michonne." I greeted her, "this is Ava. She's part of our group."

Michonne acknowledged her with a nod, resuming her wall of emotionless stares. I informed her of our plan to follow the tracks, and she joined our march.

I didn't know what we were heading into, but I had a gut feeling that whatever it was, it wasn't good.

A/N; Hey, thanks for reading, I know it seems a little rushed at the end, but I had to do this quick, plus next update will be where they find Carl. So, stay tuned to find out where the story goes, and I'll be back tomorrow.


	16. Its for you

I was right, there was something wrong, because when we found the motel, we were attacked by walkers and had to run from them. Now, we were stumbling down a road, not even caring where we were headed, we just wanted to get away from that damned motel.

Judith cried out, probably hungry. I grabbed a bottle from the bag that Ava was carrying and stuck it in her mouth while rocking her. She was silent immediately, drinking the formula that we were running low on.

"Michonne, do you see that? I think it's a street of houses." I squinted down the long road and she nodded.

"What do you think are the chances of Carl being in one of those houses?" I asked hopefully.

"Very slim, but still possible." She answered, taking the lead with her katana unsheathed.

Ava took the safety off her gun as they cautiously stepped up the stairs. Michonne glanced into one of the windows and back at me. "It's safe." She smiled with a secretive gleam in her eyes.

"Why are you smiling? Who is it?" We all knew who I was wishing it was.

She just shook her head and laughed. "Why don't you knock and find out?"

My heart was pounding in my chest as I leapt up the stairs and it nearly fell out of my chest when I glanced through the window with Ava. He was sitting there, I knew it was him, but he was talking to his dad, who was smiling at me. Michonne knocked on the door and I saw Rick mouth to his son, "It's for you."


	17. I promise

I giggled as Carl turned around and became confused for a second before realizing it was me, here with Judith. "You wanna let us in, or what?" I joked.

He grinned and pulled a couch from the door, taking a rope from the handle and opening it for us. "Jade!" He exclaimed, hugging me tightly, Judith between us.

"Carl," I scolded, "don't hurt Lil' Ass Kicker."

"Uh, we have an audience." So he did notice Ava.

"Yeah," I said as I retreated from his grip, "this is Ava, but call her Demon."

She smiled while sticking her hand out, "If you ever hurt her, I'll feed you to the dead."

His eyes widened as he shook her hand, "I'd never think about it."

"Ava, this is Carl and Rick."

"Pleasure to meet you two." I cringed at her polite-ness.

"Dude, this is the apocalypse, not tea with the queen, who, by the way, is probably dead." I retorted with a smile. Carl laced his hand with mine, making my smile grow, along with some blush.

That night, I was getting ready for bed, when Carl came in, pulling his shirt off and handing it to me. I snatched it from him, covering my half-naked body quickly. "Next time, you should knock." I warned him.

"Maybe I don't wanna." He smirked, pulling me into him by the waist.

"You're terrible at being the rebel." I lied with a giggle, running my hands through his hair.

He smiled, kissing my forehead. "You missed." I pouted.

"What?" He asked; confusion on his face.

"You missed." I said again, forcing our lips together. He smiled and moved his mouth against mine, pushing me to the bed.

We didn't really do much, just cuddled and kissed. I had promised Rick he could have Judith for the night, it'd been a while since he last saw his daughter, so we didn't have any interruptions. It was like a weight being lifted off my shoulders, when I saw him alive.

"I thought you were dead." He whispered, stroking my hair softly. "I was a mess, cursed at my dad, blamed him for everything, then apologized when he woke up."

I stared into his eyes, "It was tearing me apart, not knowing where you were, or if you were alive."

"How have you been? Has your demon bothered you much?" Even now, he was the best thing on this damned planet.

I shook my head, "I was too busy, with catching up with Ava, worrying about you and taking care of Judith."

"I have a few days to catch up on, don't I?" He smiled, reaching over to grab something.

He came up with a small box, "I found this yesterday, when I went on a run."

Opening the box, he revealed a small ring. "Carl, we're fourteen, isn't this a bit extreme?"

He chuckled, shaking his head, "It's just a promise ring. I know I'll love you forever, more if you'll let me. I wanna be the one making you laugh, every day, I never wanna fight with you again. Not knowing where you were killed me inside. So, if you accept, this promise ring means I'll never leave your side, and I'll always be there for you. What do you say?"

I stared into his hopeful blue eyes and nodded with a few tears, "Hell yeah."

He slipped the ring on my finger. "People are gonna think I'm engaged." I giggled, admiring the ring.

He lay back, with my head on his chest, murmuring softly, "Jade Grimes, I like it."

I nodded in agreement, "Me too."

I couldn't remember much else, besides falling asleep next to him, wearing the ring he'd gotten me, an addition to the necklace.

A/N; So, I don't know about this, but I might write a lemony chapter, if you wanna read something like that, write it down in the reviews. I'll see you next update my little no-brainers!


	18. Another temporary home

I yawned and stretched, noticing Carl wasn't there. He left me a note, thought. _I'm downstairs, waiting for you._ I smiled stupidly and hopped down the steps, not bothering to change. "Nice shirt, Michonne." I joked, glancing at Rick's shirt she was wearing.

She nodded with a smile, "Same to you."

Ava stomped into the room with Judith in her hands, crying out. "Take the god-damn thing already!" She exclaimed, holding her out to me.

I pulled her into me immediately, and she quieted down after a few seconds. Ava stared at me in shock. "What?" I questioned.

"One; you're wearing his shirt, nothing else. Two; She calmed down right after you held her. Three; you're wearing a ring!" She squealed.

I rolled my eyes, "One; I'm wearing underwear too. Two; I've done this before. Three; it's just a ring, no big deal."

Carl stiffened for a moment before resuming to eat his breakfast. I leaned down and stole his hat while kissing his cheek. "Ew, pda much?" Ava said, grabbing some stale cereal.

I smiled. "Get used to it."

He chuckled at her face of disgust. It was amusing, the way she screwed up her face like that. It was one of the ways she used to get me to laugh. I'd say something depressing, and she'd pull that face. I smiled with nostalgia as I poured some cereal. I went to sit down at the table, but the chairs were all taken, since Rick had arrived and decided to sit down. I hopped up onto the counter with Judith held tightly to my chest. Carl approached me with his empty bowl, placing the object in the sink before standing in front of me, in between my legs.

He gently took the child from my arms, smiling down at her. "My turn, baby girl." He whispered to her. He was just so sweet to her; I couldn't help but join him in smiling.

I wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms around his torso, forcing him closer. Closing my eyes, I laid my head on his shoulder, inhaling his woods-like scent. I heard a baby's yawn, and when I turned my head, I saw Judith was grinning up to Carl, trying to grab his hair. This moment made me realize how young we were, and how in love with him I was. "Hey, Judith. I love you. You know that, right?" He mumbled to the infant, his smile growing when she nodded.

The adorable minute was ended when someone coughed, startling us out of our little bubble. "Yes?" We asked in unison.

"Michonne decided that she's going on a run, you going with her?" Rick asks as Michonne stood up, adjusting her outfit.

"No, I'll stay with Judith." I shook my head, as Carl nodded.

"Sure."

I snatched Judith away from him. "I hope you know she's not going with you."

He pouted, giving me Bambi eyes and I shook my head in response. "Please, baby girl?" He asked, tilting my head to look into his eyes.

"Aw, you're trying to make me say yes. How cute. But no, Romeo. Judith isn't leaving my sight." I bit my lip, un-hooking my legs from his waist and jumping off the counter.

He groaned and threw his head back, looking to the ceiling for advice. I smirked while plopping down on the floor of the living room, laying Judith next to me. "Your brother is not taking you out there, I promise." I kissed her forehead, seeing her smile.

She blew a raspberry and grabbed at my hair. I grinned and tickled her, hearing her adorable baby giggle. "I'm going with Michonne and Carl, are you going to be fine?" Ava questioned from behind.

I nodded, looking back to her. "Yeah, I've survived this much, it'll be okay."

She sat down on the couch by me, "What's up with you wearing his shirt?"

"I like it, it's comfortable." I shrugged, pulling it down farther to reach my knees. I was terribly skinny and small, so it already fell to my mid-thighs.

"So he _just_ gave you his shirt?" She pressured, staring intently at me.

"I know what you're accusing us of, but no. We just cuddled, kissed here and there. He gave me this ring, and the necklace." I held out my hand, wiggling my fingers slightly.

She squealed, "Michonne, you were right!"

I gasped, "She guessed?"

"No, I'm pretty sure Carl told her." She rolled her eyes as Michonne and Carl entered the room.

"We're leaving." Michonne whispered, opening the door.

"Carl, no. Don't even think about it." I stood up, noticing him looking at Judith.

"I'm not taking her with me, I'm just saying goodbye." He said, passing me to say bye to his sister.

He was being sort of mean, especially since I was doing the right thing. I'd much rather Judith here with me, where she's safe, not out there, where there was zombies on every corner.

I sighed as he pecked her forehead, ruffling her hair slightly. She smiled, waving her hands wildly. He picked her up and brought her over to me, where he then kissed me gently, giving me his hat as a farewell gift. I stood on my tiptoes and lightly pressed my lips to his for a moment, and then stopped, knowing we had an audience.

We all went outside to see them leave, and I sighed as my boyfriend, best friend, and friend left my sight. "So," Rick strung the word out, "you and Carl?"

His voice made it sound like he was amused. "Yeah, me and Carl." I nodded, squinting lightly to try and find the figures disappearing into the street.

"Look, I'm sorry for what I said back at the prison, I was only thinking of his safety." He stared into the distance like me, "But I know now. You're in love with him and he's in love with you. I see the looks you two send each other, it's pretty obvious."

I was taken aback by his words. Sure, we'd said we love each other already, but in love? That's like the ultimate form of love. "Really?"

It was his turn to nod. His grin was wide, "By the way, you guys make a cute family."

I looked down to Judith, who was glancing up at her father. "What do you mean?"

"I want you two to be her parents, she needs you more than she needs me, I can just be the uncle or something. It looks like you're her mom anyways, with how you saved her and take care of her. He could be her dad, he just needs to grow up a little more, and I think you can help him with that." It sounded like he'd been writing that little speech for an hour, it was put together quite well.

I was blushing deeply, "Thanks. I will."

We returned to inside, and he rushed upstairs with a book in hand, claiming he was going to read. I just shrugged in response and began rocking Judith to sleep.

I was in the kitchen when a large man bounded through the front door, catching sight of me. I ran for the back door, Judith still in my arms, but he yanked me back. "Where are you going?" He snarled, throwing me to the floor.

"Don't touch me!" I exclaimed, throwing a knife in his eye.

He cussed loudly, pulling it out right away. I jumped up and slashed at his throat, making him cough on his own blood. He fell to the floor, his gun skidding across. I grabbed it with one hand and crept towards the door, until another one ran after me, yelling, "She's getting away!"

I sprinted as fast as I could through the back yard, Judith crying because of the movement. A hand crunched my wrist; I knew the bone was cracked. They twisted me around to face them, and I gasped out in pain. "Let me go!" I cried, clenching my teeth.

He chuckled, "Not gonna happen, little lady."

"Don't touch her, you little prick." I barked as he reached for Judith.

"Fine, but you're going to pay for it." He shrugged, hauling me up, bringing me back inside, where I was thrown in a room with the door locked.

I placed the baby on the floor for a second, trying to pry open the windows. None of them would even budge, so I took a lamp from the table and smashed it against the glass, earning a shatter. I pulled Judith back to me and hopped out, tip-toing my way to the edge of the house, where I found Rick panting for breath with his gun in hand. "Rick." I whispered fiercely, my arm was absolutely killing me.

"Jade, get over there, now. Judith needs to be safe; I promise I'll come back for you." He ordered me, pointing to the trees by me.

"Rick, I can help." I argued, looking up the man on the porch.

"Not with that hand, you can't." He shook his head, slinking forwards, pushing himself to the wall to go un-noticed.

Carl, Ava and Michonne were walking to the house; I could see them in the distance. I forced myself to run into the woods silently, dashing off to warn them. "Guys, there's people in the house! Don't go in!" I whispered again, once I'd reached them.

We all waited in the trees until Rick came running towards us, clutching one of his hands around his gun. "We're leaving." He ordered.

We all responded with a nod, agreeing that this place was no longer safe. The five of us trudged away, disappointed after losing our home. It wasn't ours, per say, but we were comfortable in it. Oh well, we have most of the stuff from the other houses anyways, so it wouldn't be much use for anyone else. I hoped they died within a few minutes.

"Guys, where are we going? One of them broke my wrist, I think." I stated with a slight groan.

Ava pulled some gauze from her bag, "Here, wrap it."

Carl took Judith for me while I encased the wound. It stung like hell, but keeping it tight is much better than it taking forever to heal. I was going to be so useless for a while. I hissed when I remembered some of my scratches after looking down at my bloodied torso. I really needed to change and take a shower. It was getting pretty late, so we stopped by the motel, the same one that had been full of walkers the other day. It was empty now, just a vacant building with a few rooms.

"I'm taking a shower." I declared, grabbing a dusty towel from a cabinet.

They all nodded. Ava was playing peek-a-boo with Judith, Michonne and Rick had already gone to their own rooms for the night, and Carl was laying on the bed. I closed the door behind me, stripping my shirt off to check out my new scars. There was dried blood everywhere, I couldn't figure out what was new and what was old.

I pulled the rest of my clothes off and stepped into the shower, turning the water on. I hissed and whimpered as I cleaned myself, my scars and wounds stinging the whole time.

Finally, I jumped out and wrapped myself in the towel, which barely covered my thighs. I found a brush on the counter, right by the sink, and began combing through my tangles. I pulled it all up in a ponytail and sighed, setting myself up on the counter. I tore the towel off and dried my skin quickly, pulling on my bra and panties. I heaved a sigh as I saw there were a few large gashes dug into my flesh.

I snatched up the white cotton and wrapped it all over my stomach and back, covering the knife slashes well. The door creaked open, and I glanced up with shock written on my face. Carl stood there, bright red upon seeing me half-naked, but closed his mouth when he saw the deepening red that was seeping through the gauze. "That's not how you do it." He shook his head, closing the door behind him.

He stepped forward and shuffled through the cupboards, coming up with a bottle of rubbing alcohol. He ripped the gauze off of me, holding out the cloth of rubbing alcohol gently, dabbing the wounds. I hissed between clenched teeth. It felt worse than when the knife had entered my stomach. "Shit, that hurts." I murmured, catching his attention.

"Baby girl, it's the only way to make sure there's no infection." He whispered, dabbing at it again.

I nodded softly, holding in another gasp of pain by biting down on my lip. I tasted metal and realized my lip was now bleeding. Damn it, I mentally slapped myself for that. I had enough things to deal with; this is just a cherry on the cake. I leaned forwards, placing my head on his shoulder. My eyes were locked shut; I couldn't see a thing other than black.

The stinging subsided a bit, and I found myself being covered and warmed up somehow. Glancing down, I noticed that my stomach was no longer visible, only white cotton. "Thanks." I said through my teeth.

He nodded, lifting my head to look into his eyes. "Any time." He concluded, pulling my lips to his.

The usual sensation that happened during our kisses was surging through me again, this time mixed with a small portion of pain, due to my bloodied lip. His arms snaked around my waist, tugging me in closer. Our tongues danced together as my own arms snuck to his neck. I played with the hair at the back of his head while he laced his fingers through my ponytail holder, letting my brown waves flow.

We were completely caught up in each other; the world didn't exist as far as we knew at this moment, until a knock at the door startled us. I pulled back, tugging my hair into the ponytail again. Our cheeks were a deep crimson red, like the gauze on the floor. I fixed his hair quickly, "What?"

"Judith needs you, like now!" Ava said through the door.

I sighed and hopped down from the counter. "You, stay here and fix your little problem and join us when you're done." I winked to him and pulled on one of his shirts, walking through the door way.

I snatched Judith from Ava's arms and rocked her, singing softly.

After a few minutes, Carl returned, wearing his pajamas. Of course, he was shirtless, but you don't hear me complaining. Judith's eyes closed and she snored lightly. I gently laid her down on the queen sized bed and crawled in beside her. He put his hat on a side table and fell onto the bed as well, on the other side of her.

Ava lay on the couch, her hand clutching a sharp knife, a small layer of dried blood being picked off by her delicate fingers. I wrapped the three of us in a blanket, pushing myself in further to collect more body heat. Carl played with my hair as I fell asleep, slowly and deeply.


	19. Author's note Please read

Hey guys, I've been on hiatus for a while because I had a huge writer's block that wouldn't give any slack and every time I tried writing, it just wouldn't work. So, I've decided now that I can write again, I'm going to re-do the entire fanfiction, because I know I can do better, and I need to relax since finals are coming up. So, thanks for the support and I'll start working on the fanfiction soon!

Xoxo

Brittany


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